I've been talking to my analyst and she said I should write more about how I feel, as an exercise in order to keep my mind clean and everything well.
So here we are, I'm going to start with a confession:
I'm 22, crazy about candy, computers and technology, love reading swimming and running and I'm gay, not out of the closet obviously, I'm really discrete, at least I try to.
Well first I'll start telling some facts from my past which I'll help to understand my personality.
Fact #1: My parents are divorced, since, well, since I can remember, they lived a short period of time under the same roof, but my father was(is) addicted to alcoholic drinks, and he pulled my mom down as long as she could stand, then she expelled him from the house(summarizing the story). I felt without a family
Fact #2 :When I was about 6 My mom had two jobs to support us, than she hired a nanny to look after me, but the nanny didn't do the job she was hired for, and that's when all the drama starts. One of my older cousins, back at that time a 16 years old teen, rapped me several times.
Well, at that time, I was only 6, I couldn't understand anything wrong with that, He used to take home nice toys for us to play, and then he fucked me uncountable times. I felt a bitch
Fact #3: when I started to feel that something was wrong, well I remember very well the day everything came to me, I was having a conversation with my mom, we always did that, stay in bed talking about everything, on one of these days I told her what he had done to me she got really bad. Nobody had done anything either to punish him nor to protect me. I felt unprotected
Since then I feel really unsecure about my life, like I'm constant fear, like something bad would come along and hunt me down.
Fact #4 Because of the facts above I haven't been able to keep a relationship with anyone else, every time someone approaches I push the person away, I always feel like people want to use me or like I'm been used by somebody. I tried few times to have a relationship, specially because of the fear.
What brigs to the person I’m today, I haven’t had a relationship so far either with a girlfriend nor with a boyfriend I’m going to use this blog as my journal, just to take if off my chest and try to understand myself better.
listening to: Everything by lifehouse