Saturday, May 16, 2009

Breaking through.

I've been talking to my analyst and she said I should write more about how I feel, as an exercise in order to keep my mind clean and everything well.
So here we are, I'm going to start with a confession:
I'm 22, crazy about candy, computers and technology, love reading swimming and running and I'm gay, not out of the closet obviously, I'm really discrete, at least I try to.
Well first I'll start telling some facts from my past which I'll help to understand my personality.

Fact #1: My parents are divorced, since, well, since I can remember, they lived a short period of time under the same roof, but my father was(is) addicted to alcoholic drinks, and he pulled my mom down as long as she could stand, then she expelled him from the house(summarizing the story). I felt without a family

Fact #2 :When I was about 6 My mom had two jobs to support us, than she hired a nanny to look after me, but the nanny didn't do the job she was hired for, and that's when all the drama starts. One of my older cousins, back at that time a 16 years old teen, rapped me several times.
Well, at that time, I was only 6, I couldn't understand anything wrong with that, He used to take home nice toys for us to play, and then he fucked me uncountable times. I felt a bitch

Fact #3: when I started to feel that something was wrong, well I remember very well the day everything came to me, I was having a conversation with my mom, we always did that, stay in bed talking about everything, on one of these days I told her what he had done to me she got really bad. Nobody had done anything either to punish him nor to protect me. I felt unprotected

Since then I feel really unsecure about my life, like I'm constant fear, like something bad would come along and hunt me down.

Fact #4 Because of the facts above I haven't been able to keep a relationship with anyone else, every time someone approaches I push the person away, I always feel like people want to use me or like I'm been used by somebody. I tried few times to have a relationship, specially because of the fear.

What brigs to the person I’m today, I haven’t had a relationship so far either with a girlfriend nor with a boyfriend I’m going to use this blog as my journal, just to take if off my chest and try to understand myself better.

listening to: Everything by lifehouse

3 comments:

  1. Hi there,
    I was just wondering around on the internet and I stumbled across your page. Nothing special I thought at first but then I read this entry of yours and it really touched me. I can understand your feelings of being lost, even though I feel that compared to what you have to get through, my life must be heaven.
    So, call me crazy, but I would actually like to know a little bit more about you.
    I am a 17 year old girl from Germany. If you would like to talk about feelings and stuff, I am sure we might actually find a way. Just a friendly offer from somebody who is also looking for somebody to talk to ;-)
    Well, I am leaving this message anonymously (I don't like to write a whole lot of information publicly on the internet) but I will check this side if you answered in any way.

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  2. Hello,

    My name is Nick. Same reason as above, or below, wherever this comment might end up. I've noticed you stopped posting. So the chances that youll never see this are high. Nonetheless, if you want to talk to someone, you can hit me up at skype, my id is nicktakesskype, yes i know its retarded. What you wrote is very brave. Take care.

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  3. I can't imagine what that was like.
    My parents were divorced from the time I was 7 so that was tough but it seems like nothing in comparison.
    I came out completely a few months ago, and it is so much easier, it was almost exhilarating! My advice is no matter how hard it seems and no matter who you think will hate you (and most of people you think will won't, really).
    I agree with the above, your writing is extremely brave- it's admirable.

    ReplyDelete